Real Answers for Life’s Money Challenges
I just discovered two new debit cards in my husbands name.
One is an Ally debit card, which means he has a secret checking account going on.
The other is a PayPal debit card for his small business he does on the side.
Here arethe biggest money secretsthat can help you stop wasting precious funds and get your finances back on track.
He has never told me about the PayPal one, but I understand this one.
The other card is a complete surprise to me.
I have always found something peculiar and secretive about him.
He does not talk about what he is involved in.
I have to draw it out of him to know what he is up to.
I understand being quiet, but this is a marriage and it is not seamless in terms of anything.
I bought him some inexpensive shirts that did not break the bank.
He, on the other hand, bought me protein granola bars!
Seriously, no flowers or a candle, something to show he cared.
Then I think of these other accounts he has and he buys me that?
Penny, what should I do?
We have teenage daughters, but I am tired of this.
I am just not happy with this marriage.
I love him, but at the same time I feel alone, if that makes sense.
-L.
Dear L.,
Maybe your husband thinks you really love protein granola bars.
But surely you know that this isnt about protein granola bars, or even secret bank accounts.
After 24 years of marriage, your gut is telling you something is off.
You know youre unhappy.
I cant tell you whether to stay or go.
What I can tell you is that youll stay unhappy if something doesnt change.
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Some offer free consultations.
You dont have to take any action from there.
Your goal is simply to get information about what the divorce process may look like.
You cant force your husband to be more open.
But you might ask more questions and see how much resistance you get.
Instead, youre going to have to speak up and ask questions when something specific seems off.
See if the responses reaffirm what your gut is saying.
Probably not as good as youd like.
It always seems like an uphill battle to build (and keep) a decent amount in savings.
But what if your car breaks down, or you have a sudden medical bill?
Ask one of these companies to help…
The anniversary gift and the bank accounts are two good starting points for a discussion.
You really dont need to be accusatory.
Youre allowed to say you were disappointed.
But dont expect him to be a mindreader.
Tell him how he could make you feel cared for on future anniversaries.
Take a similarly straightforward approach with the bank accounts.
This discussion needs to be separate from the anniversary gift discussion.
Tell your husband you noticed he opened two new accounts and ask him point-blank what theyre for.
Be as neutral as possible.
A secret bank account conjures up all sorts of nefarious scenarios.
Did you know?
You probably dont need to know the details of every financial transaction he makes.
You both should also know how much the other person earns and where that money comes from.
I think you also need to tell him you no longer want to manage the money alone.
Ask him if hed be willing to sit down together once a month to go over your finances.
Review the money going into and out of your accounts, and ask questions about anything you dont understand.
As you seek more clarity, listen carefully to your gut.
Your husband isnt going to morph into a chatterbox overnight.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder.
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