He got his own account, but he was still using our joint account without any contribution.
He refuses to contribute to the household.
Hes also got $8,000 of credit card debt in his name.
He pressures me and says I have no faith in him.
Ive thought about divorce, but Im scared.
What can I do?
-T.
Dear T.,
This marriage sounds like trying to run a marathon in concrete shoes.
It doesnt matter how good you are at your job or as a wife.
Youre not getting anywhere because every step is a struggle.
Because from what you describe, I think these are your only two choices.
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Your husband has the freedom to do things exactly on his terms.
You work for two.
He gets to play.
Youve been his safety net for 11 years.
I think you know that your problem is so much bigger than your husbands money and career choices.
But I dont think youd have a happy marriage because his needs come first.
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In a healthy marriage, theres room for compromise when spouses dont see eye to eye.
If you agree to anything less than Option A, youre the bad guy.
Thats a terrible position to be in.
What if you decided it was your turn to switch careers or start a business?
Would your husband do whatever you needed because of his undying faith in you?
Yet I get why this is such a tough decision.
On the surface, it may seem easier because youre the breadwinner.
You dont have to stay in a bad relationship because you cant afford food and shelter.
Just the idea of separating yourself from someone youve built a life with for many years is overwhelming.
Things get infinitely more complicated if you have children together.
Keep in mind that being equals doesnt necessarily mean you have equal incomes.
Its more about each partner putting similar amounts of energy into the relationship.
I have no idea what your past discussions have looked like.
If your husband refuses to budge or even have this discussion, hes telling you theres nothing to salvage.
I do think you should at least speak to a divorce attorney so that you understand your options.
This doesnt mean you necessarily need to file.
But sometimes just knowing what to expect makes things less scary.
An attorney could walk you through the process and financial considerations, like alimony and splitting assets.
But I wouldnt count on it.
Some people are willing to work really hard at being lazy.
It sounds like your husband is one of them.
Accept that if you pursue divorce, life is going to be a lot tougher in the short term.
Id expect your husband to make things as difficult as possible.
But give a shot to imagine your life five years out.
Finances are certainly part of the picture, but theyre not the only consideration.
Ask yourself if youd feel freer and happier not being in this marriage.
If the answer is yes, you know what the solution is.
Your husband has been telling you exactly who he is for 11 years.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder.
Send your tricky money questions to[email protected].
(Can you sense my millennial sarcasm there?)
You know which ones were talking about: rent, utilities, cell phone bill, insurance, groceries…
