Real Answers for Life’s Money Challenges
My husband is manipulative and at times scary.
He masks it with jokes and smiles.
I essentially raise our girls alone.
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I pay all of their expenses, while he only covers his own.
He doesnt help with laundry and buys his own groceries.
He offers maybe two or three hours of help in a 24-hour period for our soon-to-be 1-year-old.
I do all nights alone, change all diapers and make all bottles and meals.
He tells me to just tell him when I need help, but we are both parents.
I get tired of always begging for help, and he clearly wont offer it.
This week, our internet was disconnected just before a pretty important presentation.
I had to leave home with my 1-year-old and hurry to my mothers.
This is his bill to pay, and it turns out it hasnt been paid in a few months.
He laughed at me and told me I overreacted.
Am I being gaslit, or am I expecting too much in terms of partnership?
But the only words I need to read here are My husband is manipulative and at times scary.
That sounds like your inner voice screaming LEAVE.
The victim starts questioning their own perception of reality and even their sanity as a result.
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But lets put aside the Is it gaslighting?
part of your question and focus for a moment on the Am I expecting too much?
Your husband screwed up and caused you a lot of stress.
Instead, he laughed at you.
Is that deliberate gaslighting, or is he an aloof jerk?
But wanting your partner to listen when youre upset isnt asking too much.
Im just saying that, sadly, this dynamic plays out in a lot of households.
Probably not as good as youd like.
It always seems like an uphill battle to build (and keep) a decent amount in savings.
But what if your car breaks down, or you have a sudden medical bill?
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I wish I knew more about what you mean when you describe your husband as scary.
Consider whether it would be possible to stay with your mother or another family member or friend for now.
You dont have an emotionally sensitive partner whos attuned to your needs.
Tell your husband I need help and assign him specific chores.
I know this isnt what you want, but its better than being responsible for everything.
Make him responsible for buying groceries or cooking dinner.
Tell him you need him to alternate nights of caring for your 1-year-old.
You might want to write down what youve asked him to do.
You should also make a habit of paying bills together each month.
But dont let your husband off the hook.
Finances, child care and housework all need to be shared responsibilities.
But verify that any bill hes responsible for is current.
If hes missed mortgage, car or credit card payments, that could wreak serious havoc on your finances.
Any relationship that makes you feel manipulated and fearful is not a healthy one.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder.
Send your tricky money questions to[email protected].
When you log into your bank account, how do your savings look?
Probably not as good as youd like.
It always seems like an uphill battle to build (and keep) a decent amount in savings.
But what if your car breaks down, or you have a sudden medical bill?
