Real Answers for Life’s Money Challenges
Were a middle-age married couple without kids or a mortgage.
The issue escalated during Covid.
Though our income decreased, the more time available meant more gambling time to him.
I took several loans to cover his debts, and I was paying everything for him.
Fortunately, our income level came back to the previous level.
Its all recorded in one of these money management apps.
The way I see it, Ive lost that much in savings opportunities and investing opportunities, as well.
He thinks Im treating the marriage like a cold business relationship.
But we didnt put this agreement on paper.
That seems too business-like to me.
Im not claiming interest from the lending.
Im simply trying to regain my potential savings.
Am I treating our marriage as too businesslike?
What can I do to secure my lost savings at this point?
His income is deposited to my account that he doesnt have access to.
-Trapped Wife
Dear Trapped,
Youre not wrong to proceed cautiously.
Your husbands addiction cost you dearly and put you in debt.
Now that youve paid off the debt with your savings, he wants to wipe the slate clean.
Suddenly, everything should be 50/50 in his eyes.
Thats not how it works.
Think carefully about whether anything has actually changed in your relationship.
Has your husband committed to giving up gambling for good?
Has he sought help for his addiction?
Has he sincerely apologized or made any real effort at making you financially whole again?
Because it sounds like hes more concerned with not feeling the consequences of his actions.
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Trust is earned.
Sometimes a spouse screws up and needs to re-establish trust.
But it doesnt sound like your husband ever earned it in the first place.
I understand why you dont want to be business-like in your marriage.
But when your spouse treats you like a piggy bank, you have no other choice.
Trust is built when you have the freedom to make both good and bad decisions.
Its earned a little bit at a time.
Rebuilding your savings is certainly an important goal.
A percentage of your husbands paycheck should be automatically transferred into your bank account.
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Make him responsible for paying some bills.
you gotta have access to these accounts so you might confirm theyre paid as agreed.
If your husband hasnt taken any steps to address his gambling problem, thats a non-negotiable first step.
He should check out Gamblers Anonymous if he needs support.
Many chapters have virtual meetings.
You also mention that hes borrowed money from you for his hobby items.
He could sell those items to help you replenish your savings faster.
If hes not willing to do so, listen very carefully to what hes telling you about his priorities.
Having aseparate bank accountdoesnt mean that money is yours if you split.
Also, monitor yourcredit reports.
People who gamble compulsively often hide debt from their partners.
Your husband needs to accept the fact that youre going to be monitoring how he spends his money.
He doesnt get to blow $150,000 and have everything forgiven and forgotten.
Dont give him your trust if he hasnt earned it.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder.
Send your tricky money questions to[email protected].
Probably not as good as youd like.
It always seems like an uphill battle to build (and keep) a decent amount in savings.
But what if your car breaks down, or you have a sudden medical bill?
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